“Take a step back. Look at yourself. You are human, you are beautiful and you can be anything. You can be everything. Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you, or the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to and let go when it’s time. Don’t hang onto painful memories just because you’re afraid to forget. Stop taking things for granted, stop taking life granted. Live for something, live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what real love truly is. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Meet new people. Make someone’s day. Follow your dreams. Live your life to it’s full potential. Just live dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just drop everything and live.”
Imagine, there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It doesn’t carry over any balance from the day before. Every Evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Would you draw out ever possible cent? Of course. Each of us has a similar bank, we call it “Time”. Every morning when you wake up, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night, it resets. Whatever of this you have failed to invest into a good purpose is your loss. It carries over no balance from day to day. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against “tomorrow” because you never know if tomorrow ever comes. You must live in the present on Today’s deposits. Invest it so you can get the best out of it, Fall in love, Get healthy by hitting gym, be happy. The Clock is running, make most of today while you can.
I went to the beach yesterday, I felt a pure and calm sensation run towards me as the moon gently replaced the sun. I removed my slippers. I felt the sand in between my toes. It felt great. It felt as if I suddenly indulged myself to the feeling of what life really meant. I was home. In that very moment all my worries were gone. The waves came back and forth returning to the sand. It felt even better once my feet touched the sand and the waves. In that very moment, no one could touch me. I was free.
I’ve found someone. Someone that makes me high all the time. We laugh about simple things and appreciate the effort that we put in to one another. I’m happy and I’m glad I am, because for the past few days, weeks, months and even years it’s good to know that there’s still someone there who accepts me for who I am. Not for the person they want me to be. This nostalgic feeling… It’s different from the one I’ve felt before. And I like it.
Its this feeling again. That feeling I get whenever I hear her. It doesn’t really matter if I see her. The simple sound that enters my ears uplifts me in a way that makes me smile. Not just an ordinary smile. The kind that is only given to people that are special to you. If this were a dream. I’d never want to wake up.
It’s dark again. The night has returned to take it’s rightful place to the throne as the governor of nightfall. The trees are frightened, leaves blown away with every gust of the wind. The waters are mad, swirling around in an endless loop. The sky is black like a never-ending abyss trying to swallow us all constantly whenever we look up. We should be thankful though, because they have offered us rain. The rain that pours from the mouths of the clouds giving life to each barren wasteland that we walk upon. You should be thankful. We all must. It is our duty. The only thing that keeps us apart from those savages.” These words sprung out from one of the elder’s mouth as everyone gathered around the flame that gave light to absolute darkness.
The heat was exceptional, every kiss of warmth that touched me gave life as I breathed into my body. I had my older brother sitting next to me as everyone listened to the wise words of one of the three elders. ”The annual occasion is almost at hand. The day after tomorrow will be the time that we remember that our people did not give in to those who took everything from us one hundred years ago. The mark of resilience will forever remain inside our hearts, minds, and souls.”
The three elders then stood up from their seats. Each one of us bowed our heads down to show our utmost respect. They looked regal, proud and tall as they looked upon us with pride and care. They have been around this place far long before everything had changed. From the time their ancestors passed down the spoken word about the savages, the ones whom we have been competing with for the last century.
“We must offer our thanks to the gods! They have remained good to us for the last year. The multitudinous amounts of food and water. The crops have not withered once, staying healthy and fresh. Our animals never diseased, the finest condition we have had in years.” The sea of people gave out a shout of joy and gratefulness, but the noise was quickly diminished as the elders continued to speak. ”We must not be complacent about this, another year approaches us and is filled with trials to come. The Ancients, as we all know it have depicted a very disturbing situation that all of us will partake in. They have predicted great calamities caused by the elements. These may as well lead to everyone’s destruction. Including the savages. We must take action immediately. That is why for our annual celebration this year, we have decided to choose at least one person from each of the mastering elements to embark on a journey. The chosen ones must be of ages twelve to seventeen.” The crowd was shocked. None had wanted to offer their child as young as that to take part in such a big quest.
“We all know how difficult this is to all of you, it is much easier to tribute older ones who have mastered their elements, but this is very crucial. The chosen ones must be pure. If we are to just send of our finest and experienced men, this will have no effect. The gods will just be more enraged.” The crowd was stirred up, they couldn’t do anything. They knew that this would be the only way to please the gods.
“Everyone of ages twelve to seventeen must be at the common grounds at dawn where the chosen ones will be picked. We must do this in order to at least brief everyone before the actual quest. The task is simple and difficult at the same time. The chosen ones must rouse the place where each element is the strongest.” A wave of shock had filled the crowd once again. ”Yes, that is right. they will have to make their way to the pedestals of each element and insert the gems that you see in our staffs. These were once gifts from the gods from our ancestors. They have been passed down from generation to generation to each elder. Each gem consists of an individual element and the person of the same mastering element must take this back to the pedestal where the crests sit.”
Her eyes met mine in a frightful stare. I tried to shout, I tried to scream. It was no use. I was surrounded by complete trees in the middle of a misty forest. Things went out of control in my mind. I started to panic when she started gesturing towards me. I looked back for any chance of escape but it wouldn’t make much of a difference. She would still outrun me and eventually catch up to me. It would even get her psyched up more and get her adrenaline pumping.
Her eyes turned into a pitch black abyss that invited me as if wanting myself willingly to come at her and end my life as simple as that. I urged myself not to look but It was hard. She looked even more beautiful than before now that she’s standing in the shade of the moonlight. Her white tattered tank top was now dancing with shadows as she breathed life into her body. Her whole body physique had been more and more looking like an angel’s but emmanated something dark as the moon centered in the cloudless sky. Her face was the most beautiful part of her. It radiated the glow of someone experienced yet youthful. You could see it in her eyes. Her straight black hair fell wherever the wind would choose to blow it as she muttered something that sounded like “Thuelai Suikeranos”.
“Come, follow me into a world you will never regret. Forget about everything and clear your mind. It helps.” She said as she gracefully let out her hands out and inviting me into an eternal rest.
“Why did you do it Matt?” A calm voice incapsulated the air and entered my ears. He was sitting in front of me and the only thing keeping us apart was a wooden table. I tried to motion my hands but they were handcuffed pretty tight. I looked around the grey worn out room. I could see a large mirror on the side. I knew for sure it was a two way mirror. I looked to the other side and found an iron door which was the only way leading out.
“Why did you do it Matt? Answer me!” His voice began to rise as he thought I wasn’t really listening or paying any attention at all. I diverted my gaze back to him slowly and smiled, “Did what sir?”, I shot out a laugh, mocking him. He wasn’t very pleased at all as he stood up and hit me. I looked back at him again and gave him another smile, but this time my mouth was bleeding.
His voice returned to a calm state asking me the same question, “Why did you do it Matt? Why did you kill them?”
“Oh so that’s what you meant. You could’ve been more precise, I’ve done a lot of things you know. Which one are you referring to by the way? The girl? The boy?” I went on and on the list of the lucky people who got the chance to die in my hands. It was fun actually. I rambled my way through all those people just like crossing out a bunch of stuff from a checklist.
He looked at me with disgust and hate. His uniform was giving of different hues of grey as the artificial lighting hit him. ”How could you do such a thing? Have you ever thought about their families? The people who cared for them?” He stood up from the chair and turned his back on me.
“Well they didn’t have any reason to live anymore, that’s why I did it.” These words that came out of my mouth caught his attention. He looked back saying, “You have no right to take anybody’s lives! Damnit you’re not even close to being a god!”
I felt enraged by what he said, “I don’t give a fuck if I’m not a god! You just don’t get it do you? You just don’t know what it feels like. What it feels like to be in charge for that moment. The moment when they plead for my mercy. Their eyes beg and you’re only looking back blankly at them thinking about their lives. How wonderful their lives would be if I let them go. They would go back to their regular lives to their families, friends and to those who care for them and I have a choice. A choice to set them free or a choice to kill them. Of course I’d kill them, even If they say they won’t tell if I set them free, I know they will and I just can’t afford to get caught. All the fun would be lost.”
“You’re a monster! I think I’ve heard more than enough from you. I hope you rot in hell.” He hit me again, this time harder but I felt numb, like I always was. He was about to leave, ordering somebody to ready and open up the steel door, but before he left I said something. Something that made him look back once more, ”There is no constant thing in this world, all are just temporary except for life and death itself. Everything else would all go away sooner or later. The reason why I killed them was because they deserved to. The actress, the musician, the painter. All of them got what they wanted, they became known. They made money and best of all, they were accepted. you see, I never got the chance to be like that and If I couldn’t, nobody else should.” And with that last note, I was left alone in an old and cold room.
A few minutes have passed after that and I found myself looking down. My mind started to play with thoughts from the past as I remembered having a pin at the back pocket of the pants I was wearing. The little discussion that happened got me all worked up as random memories flooded in.
I was young then. A mere age less than ten. I’ve always lived under a big shadow casted by my brother and sister. They always seemed better than me at everything. I guess that was one of the reasons I was so competitive at school. I knew a was good at drawing, I knew I was good at singing, I knew I was good at academics but I could never be better than them. I was always the least favored child and the least favored nephew. Then one day I just ticked. I figured that if I couldn’t be accepted for all the good things that I did, then why don’t I just do something bad. I thought about it and it made sense. A lot of sense actually. I’ve seen people on the news do good things a lot and they all say “Aww, that’s nice.” then move on with their lives, but if somebody did something bad, or horrible even, it would reach the headlines. Everybody would notice and talk about it. It could be as long as days, weeks, months or even years. I would never be forgotten for what I would do.
And as I finally broke free from the handcuffs using the pin from my pocket. I found myself in a difficult position to find a way out through the steel door.
“Life is nothing but a beautiful grand piano that plays a never ending tune. And our life depends on each note we make for each key we press. We can incorporate the white keys as the positive parts of our life and the black ones for the negative. We may want live without having to worry about the black keys but you must always remember that however hard we try, music can never sound as good as when it does with the white and black keys combined together.”
Society is fucked up, forgive me for my choice of words but it really is, in ways that doesn’t really make sense anymore. If society has taught me one thing, it’s that I have to be a gorgeous human being to be accepted by the people around you. You have to be like them, act like them and somewhat maintain your individuality. Now how do you expect me as a person to be like that when in fact, I can’t, I just can’t. I wasn’t born with a modelesque body. I feel fat, ugly, extremely awkward and I can’t even present myself to new people and hold a conversation without even weirding them out. It’s unfair, very unfair. People who go through puberty like a breeze while some just barely make it out alive. It’s a good thing that some have actually learned to accept their body although some claim they do but in reality, they just slowly die inside wanting to wake up the next morning and look in front of the mirror and say “God, I’m beautiful.” The ugly truth is, I hate my body. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate how I just can’t be a normal person that can just look like everybody else but, above everything, I hate how I care, how I care about how I look. Why can’t I just walk down the street without the mindset that I have to do this and that in order for me to at least look a little good. Is it that big of a wish? To be a maybe above average person? Just so I can boost up my self confidence and self-esteem a little bit. I just fill myself with disgust whenever I see a human being who excels in outer looks and while I, still maintaining composure but slowly drowning in my own insecurities, just stand or sit there motionlessly wanting to be that, idolizing someone and hoping to at least get a dash of their good looks sucked into me somehow.
I’m growing now, I’m maturing, I should know that wishing something like that will never ever happen but I still hope that one day, everything will all just go away somehow because finding a person that can accept me for who I am is just pure bullshit. I’m grateful for the people who care, who comfort me, who boost me up when I’m down, and for accepting a part of me that even I just can’t willingly and wholeheartedly accept but, I hope they would still stick around even after they see me entirely.
Why am I even doing this, typing down stuff that people would just pass by. And even if they read this, they wouldn’t know how difficult it is for me to get up everyday and just get through it somehow. Sometimes I get lucky, but most of the times It sucks.
Acceptance is key for me. If I want to be accepted, I have to smile a lot, be a clown or just make a fool out of myself so I won’t draw attention to my ever reeking self. I’m not doing this so people can take pity on me. Its the last thing I want them to do. I just somehow want to feel good, to release some of the tension that courses through my veins inside my body. This just helps me loosen up a little.